My 4-year-old daughter Phoebe came home from her kiddie-gymnastics class yesterday with body language that was screaming “exhaustion.” She practically stumbled into the house, eyelids heavy as frying pans.
If she were still taking midday naps, now would have been the perfect time for one. Except that she doesn’t nap anymore. Instead, Phoebe just keeps going, even when she’s worn out and frazzled. And when she’s particularly tired, as she was yesterday, she only wants one thing: her pacifier (aka “boppy”).
I’m embarrassed to tell you about this. I never imagined myself as a parent who would allow her 4 year old to use a pacifier. But here I am, finding it nearly impossible to take away my daughter’s most beloved possession.
Part of me believes it’s long overdue. She’s not a toddler anymore, and all of her peers who once had pacifiers have long given them up. Some of Phoebe’s preschool friends have shifted their attachment away from a pacifier to a new beloved object. One kid we know gave up his pacifier but now wears a cape everywhere.
Another part of me still isn’t ready to take away my daughter’s self-soother, because it does an amazing job when she’s sad or needs to collect herself. I just keep hoping that she’ll gradually lose interest. I once read that kids with an unwanted behavior, like pacifier-sucking habit, usually give it up on their own by age 5, even if you do nothing.
So far, Phoebe hasn’t lost even a smidge of interest in boppy. She loves, I mean, really loves it. Sometimes I think that if her pacifier could warm up macaroni and cheese in the microwave, Phoebe would have no use for me at all.
I may be dragging my feet on eliminating the pacifier, but it’s certainly not for lack of suggested tactics. My wise mom friends have lots of ideas and strategies.
Here are five of their cold-turkey tactics:
- Donate. Encourage child to donate his pacifier to new babies who need them. Of course, you’re not really donating your skanky, old pacifiers to nice, new babies. But your child can believe he’s doing a good deed by making a gift of his pacifiers. They can be left under a pillow at night for the Pacifier Fairy to magically retrieve or given to the family dentist.
- Off With Their Heads. Cut off the tip of the pacifier. Without suction, pacifiers are frustratingly non-suckable.
- Bribery. My brother- and sister-in-law promised their 3-year-old daughter a fabulous dress-up dress to reward her for giving up her pacifier. That was all the incentive she needed.
- Oops! I forgot the pacifier. Leave town for a vacation and “accidentally” forget the pacifiers. This is Matt’s idea. I’m not sure how I feel about it. The only thing worse than being at home when your kid is wailing inconsolably at night because she’s going through pacifier withdrawal is being on vacation when it happens.
- Pacifier Trees. In Denmark, apparently, there are children’s parks where kids hang their pacifiers from branches when they’re ready to give them up. It’s like a rite of passage.
In the meantime, my husband and I have done what our dentist advises us to do: begin weaning Phoebe off her “boppy.” (Our dentist tells us that Phoebe’s bone structure makes her a prime candidate for braces, regardless of how long she sucks on her pacifier. Is that good news or bad news? I’m not sure.)
So we’ve laid down a rule at home: We’ve told Phoebe that she’s only to have her bop at bedtime. She’s allowed to get it once she’s wearing her pajamas. Before we made the rule, Phoebe would pop her boppy in her mouth throughout the day.
And I’m looking at the calendar to set a date for giving up the bop. I want things to go as smoothly as possible, so I’m aiming for a perfectly ordinary week, when no one has the flu or a new schedule. Mid-summer is looking good.
I’m ready. But is Phoebe? Doubtful.
(Note: This is something I wrote for Sesame Street’s parenting newsletter, which comes out today. I’ve deleted some paragraphs and made a few embellishments. Sign up for the Sesame Street newsletter here.)

Today my thoughts were in a whirl, when I saw that one of my interviews had gone up on a client’s site. It was an interview with Steve Owens, who runs a training program for elite, Tour de France-level athletes. The topic was overcoming barriers.




